Lily's first birthday

The 13th of may is coming up really fast, faster than I want.  I still want it to be last year when I was pregnant and did not have a worry. 

 Most people on my Facebook are now starting to be pregnant once again.  I am trying to save face while planning my daughter's first birthday.  Even though she will only be watching from above, I still want her to have a party.  It won't be big event, however I do want it to be a happy occasion. 

So far, my life has been up and down with emotions.  My daughter was my inspiration to go find a new job to make my life better.  she was my inspiration to go out and get a better car so that when I do have more children they will be safe and sound. 

I am giving her a first birthday that everyone will love.  I went and ordered her a disney princess cake, I boiught princess plates and decorations and I even made invitations.  I just wish there was a little one there to open presents and smash cake into her mouth. 

I hope no woman ever has to feel the pain of trying to keep her head up and fake a smile as her friends tell you that they are pregnant.  I hope no one ever has to remember praying in a hospital that they would be there for a while longer.  then after the baby is born foiur months early, praying that the baby is health and just needs time to grow.  A mom should never have to sit and remember the pain of walking out of the NICU crying because she just watched her baby die in the arms of the father because it was better than another week of selfishly wanting the baby to be fine.  In reality the baby was living off of life support and morphine to keep the baby from feeling too much pain.

This mother's day, I am going to be with family and loved one's and not have to make the hardest decisons of my life.  I will be there letting someone else decide how to make the day joyous. 

In honor of Lily, I am making my life better one step at a time.  She will have a mom that is ready to take on life-- who celebrates the two days that her daughter lived, not in silence, but with friends and family.  My daughter is not a secret.  She isn't a skeleton in the closet that I am afraid people will find out about.  Quite the contrary.  Lily is the light that glows in my life.  She gave me what I wanted most, to be a mother.  Yes, I only got to know her shortly, but she was the best two days of my life.