Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Heaven

If you ask me about heaven i will only tell you one thing.  Heaven is a dream.  It's my favorite dream.  As far as i know there are two options.  Hell for the bad and heaven for the good.  But what if the concept of original sin exists and we start out living in hell until heaven is earned.

I believe heaven is a dream.  At night i get to drab of the most wonderful thing ever.  I get to hold my child.  I get to watch her grow up and run around laughing.  I hear her asking for fun things like spinning around in a circle with me until we fall to the ground laughing.

Heaven is the place where i get to join in on the conversations explaining the adorable thing my child had done the previous day.   It's the place where my daughter gets to be the center of attention.  It's also the place that i don't want to leave.

If hell is the place bad people go when they die, i must have been alive in another life and this reality is my punishment.  I can't even imagine how bad of a person i would have had to be to get this pain. 

There is also the idea that heaven is a reward for being good in life and living through and succeeding in everything that life throws at you.  I hope for my sanity that the latter of the two ideas it's true. 

I spend my dreams with you and spend my days thinking of you.  I pretend at times you are still with me and that im being quiet trying not to wake you from a nap.  I sit quietly and imagine you playing with the children of my friends.  I know that you would have been perfect.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Leaving my husband

Having a relationship with a man during the hardest emotional time in my life did not help.

I was supposed to be able to get back into my feet without problems.  I was expected to get pregnant right away.  I tried for 1 and a half years with no luck.  Sex became a chore. It was not passionate and made my emotions way worse. 

I loved my husband and I still do.  We just are no longer together. 

I wish there was a way fir is to talk.  He says the break up happened for different reasons but in the end we couldn't get back to being us.