Where I work, I hear every sad story about life. Only once did I ever tell someone about me.
My world was turned upside down in the manner of minuets. I had no idea that it was even going to happen. On a daily basis, I hear that I am the last person to which they wanted to talk. There is no one else to help.
It takes all of my insides not to slap them sometimes. I see the young women who are pregnant with babies that they do not want. I see parents with a whole bunch of children when they should have stopped at two. I see teenagers who had sex once and got pregnant.
I had a lady come in and on her fourth pregnancy (three healthy babies at home) she came in and told me about her miscarraige. She was shaken to the core that she has lost her baby at 10 weeks. SHe insisted that it was for the best as she had just signed the divorce papers with her husband.
I told her about my daughter. I explained that it happens for a reason. I have no idea what that reason is, but there is no way I can tell my self she was for nothing.
Personally I know that Lily was born to be my guardian angel. I say that a lot, but it is true. I see my self as a mother in my dreams but the children are never mine. I am sure this is a sign that I will end up with adopted children and stay in a line of work where I will always have children around me.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
First visit with doctor not pregnancy related
No woman looks forward to her annual exam with her doctor. It is a very awkward exam with cold instruments and uneasy conversations about your sex life that makes it seem like your partner is an evil person that you have to defend.
It was my first time seeing this doctor in a long time. I had been seeing the prenatal department and then I just stopped going to the doctor's office for a year. I told my self that there would be no tears. It was already going to be weird. Something about the being naked in a strange place and a person that you are not used to seeing you just made the experience uneasy to begin with. I thought that there would be some research into my medical history I knew from the first question the doctor asked me that she had no idea about my medical history.
I see that you were in the prenatal program and gave birth a year ago. Are you still nursing?
What was my response supposed to be. I started to cry and at the same time explain that my daughter only lived two days. I am pretty sure she was fed through her IV. There I am sitting on the examination table, wearing nothing but a hospital gown. I tried to save some dignity and explain my story.
The rest of the exam happened as normal. I was able to calm down. I really wanted to focus the conversation on trying to conceive. At my post postpartum appointment I was asked to wait a year so I could be more emotionally ready. Instead of talking about my condition, she insisted that I needed to grieve and grow more as a person.
My only answer to her saying that I need more time to grieve, I spent a year learning that I will never be the same person I was before I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I came to terms with the fact that I was the one who made the decision to let her die instead of living in pain just to die in her sleep after living on morphine. It is not fair to ask a mother to grow more as a person. I personally think she did not know how to handle my situation. I have a condition that very little is known about, and every reference to it says very little.
We spoke for a breif moment about my condition. I have what is known as an incompetent cervix. I had a healthy pregnancy, but my cervix could not hold a baby. I felt like she was dropping or kicking down instead of her normal spot on my belly button. Then the next day I lost my mucus plug and went into the hospital. At 24 weeks 0 days I was 3 cm dilated. I gave birth 3 days later.
I was asked by this doctor if I felt that what I had was an incompetent cervix. I went to school for law, not medicine. I have to be able to trust what the doctor says. If she has no idea what is going wrong with me, than maybe I need to switch doctors.
It was my first time seeing this doctor in a long time. I had been seeing the prenatal department and then I just stopped going to the doctor's office for a year. I told my self that there would be no tears. It was already going to be weird. Something about the being naked in a strange place and a person that you are not used to seeing you just made the experience uneasy to begin with. I thought that there would be some research into my medical history I knew from the first question the doctor asked me that she had no idea about my medical history.
I see that you were in the prenatal program and gave birth a year ago. Are you still nursing?
What was my response supposed to be. I started to cry and at the same time explain that my daughter only lived two days. I am pretty sure she was fed through her IV. There I am sitting on the examination table, wearing nothing but a hospital gown. I tried to save some dignity and explain my story.
The rest of the exam happened as normal. I was able to calm down. I really wanted to focus the conversation on trying to conceive. At my post postpartum appointment I was asked to wait a year so I could be more emotionally ready. Instead of talking about my condition, she insisted that I needed to grieve and grow more as a person.
My only answer to her saying that I need more time to grieve, I spent a year learning that I will never be the same person I was before I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I came to terms with the fact that I was the one who made the decision to let her die instead of living in pain just to die in her sleep after living on morphine. It is not fair to ask a mother to grow more as a person. I personally think she did not know how to handle my situation. I have a condition that very little is known about, and every reference to it says very little.
We spoke for a breif moment about my condition. I have what is known as an incompetent cervix. I had a healthy pregnancy, but my cervix could not hold a baby. I felt like she was dropping or kicking down instead of her normal spot on my belly button. Then the next day I lost my mucus plug and went into the hospital. At 24 weeks 0 days I was 3 cm dilated. I gave birth 3 days later.
I was asked by this doctor if I felt that what I had was an incompetent cervix. I went to school for law, not medicine. I have to be able to trust what the doctor says. If she has no idea what is going wrong with me, than maybe I need to switch doctors.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Lily's first birthday
The 13th of may is coming up really fast, faster than I want. I still want it to be last year when I was pregnant and did not have a worry.
Most people on my Facebook are now starting to be pregnant once again. I am trying to save face while planning my daughter's first birthday. Even though she will only be watching from above, I still want her to have a party. It won't be big event, however I do want it to be a happy occasion.
So far, my life has been up and down with emotions. My daughter was my inspiration to go find a new job to make my life better. she was my inspiration to go out and get a better car so that when I do have more children they will be safe and sound.
I am giving her a first birthday that everyone will love. I went and ordered her a disney princess cake, I boiught princess plates and decorations and I even made invitations. I just wish there was a little one there to open presents and smash cake into her mouth.
I hope no woman ever has to feel the pain of trying to keep her head up and fake a smile as her friends tell you that they are pregnant. I hope no one ever has to remember praying in a hospital that they would be there for a while longer. then after the baby is born foiur months early, praying that the baby is health and just needs time to grow. A mom should never have to sit and remember the pain of walking out of the NICU crying because she just watched her baby die in the arms of the father because it was better than another week of selfishly wanting the baby to be fine. In reality the baby was living off of life support and morphine to keep the baby from feeling too much pain.
This mother's day, I am going to be with family and loved one's and not have to make the hardest decisons of my life. I will be there letting someone else decide how to make the day joyous.
In honor of Lily, I am making my life better one step at a time. She will have a mom that is ready to take on life-- who celebrates the two days that her daughter lived, not in silence, but with friends and family. My daughter is not a secret. She isn't a skeleton in the closet that I am afraid people will find out about. Quite the contrary. Lily is the light that glows in my life. She gave me what I wanted most, to be a mother. Yes, I only got to know her shortly, but she was the best two days of my life.
Most people on my Facebook are now starting to be pregnant once again. I am trying to save face while planning my daughter's first birthday. Even though she will only be watching from above, I still want her to have a party. It won't be big event, however I do want it to be a happy occasion.
So far, my life has been up and down with emotions. My daughter was my inspiration to go find a new job to make my life better. she was my inspiration to go out and get a better car so that when I do have more children they will be safe and sound.
I am giving her a first birthday that everyone will love. I went and ordered her a disney princess cake, I boiught princess plates and decorations and I even made invitations. I just wish there was a little one there to open presents and smash cake into her mouth.
I hope no woman ever has to feel the pain of trying to keep her head up and fake a smile as her friends tell you that they are pregnant. I hope no one ever has to remember praying in a hospital that they would be there for a while longer. then after the baby is born foiur months early, praying that the baby is health and just needs time to grow. A mom should never have to sit and remember the pain of walking out of the NICU crying because she just watched her baby die in the arms of the father because it was better than another week of selfishly wanting the baby to be fine. In reality the baby was living off of life support and morphine to keep the baby from feeling too much pain.
This mother's day, I am going to be with family and loved one's and not have to make the hardest decisons of my life. I will be there letting someone else decide how to make the day joyous.
In honor of Lily, I am making my life better one step at a time. She will have a mom that is ready to take on life-- who celebrates the two days that her daughter lived, not in silence, but with friends and family. My daughter is not a secret. She isn't a skeleton in the closet that I am afraid people will find out about. Quite the contrary. Lily is the light that glows in my life. She gave me what I wanted most, to be a mother. Yes, I only got to know her shortly, but she was the best two days of my life.
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