Jealousy

It's not that I am not super happy that you are expecting your third baby, who the father doesn't want, but I am still healing.  I am angry that I have not been given a second chance at having a baby.  It is so hard for me to listen to her talk about being six weeks pregnant and not really wanting the child.  Here I am fearing that with my emotional state, I won't get pregnant for a while. 

Moving on to figuring out my new self, I know that I will never be fully okay with pregnancies, whether my own or that of other women.

I don't want to be that sour puss in the back of a room trying my hardest not to cry, or that girl who tries so hard to find a believable excuse for not attending a baby shower.  I want to be that woman who is proud of her friends.  Who is the first person to go shopping in the baby section and isn't afraid of seeing tiny toes sticking out of car seats in stores. I want to be able to hold my head up high when I go into a gynecologist's office without crying because I know there is something wrong with me that they can't fix.

For now, I will work on my jealousy of pregnant women and hope that I can move on.  I know it's a lot to ask of my self, but maybe one day it will be to my advantage.  I will understand more clearly as to why sometimes destiny and fate suck.  I really wish that my little girl would not have left the world so soon, but she was a gift to me.

If sometimes referring to her as a gift seems weird, I don't know what else to say to her. I was telling her goodbye from the first moment I laid eyes on her.  She came to my life to give me some kind of truth, but I am not sure what that was, but one day I hope I will. For now, she will remain my guardian angel.  That is what I told her she is, and that I was just one of the very luck mommies to meet their guardian angel.  If you have not sat across from your one pound baby in a NICU waiting for more bad news, than you will never understand how it feels to force yourself into KNOWING that your little one is going to be a memory.  She is going to be those tears that you cry everytime you think of her. She is going to be those happy thoughts every time you hold your partner.  And when the time comes, she will be the reason that the future children exist. It sucks that her tiny little life left me in such misery.  I feel like I should go out in the world and raise awareness, but at the same time I don't have enough energy to go to work some days so how am I supposed to raise awareness of a flaw inside of my body.